Growing Up With An Alcoholic Mother

If you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic, you’ll find that having boundaries may be necessary to feel like you’re in a mutually beneficial relationship. Boundaries provide a healthy framework for you and your loved one. And this is what helped me mend a broken relationship with my alcoholic mother.

My Breaking Point

In my 20’s, I worked for a large company in downtown Milwaukee, Wisconsin. One day at around 11am, I was called up to the front desk. When I arrived at the front, the receptionist had this frightened look on her face, she said, there is somebody on the phone that says she is your mother and that if I don’t get ahold of you, she is going to kill herself.

I went to my desk, took the call, told her to never call me again, and that if she called me at this number, I would report her to the police.

Right then and there, I stopped our relationship. I could no longer do it anymore. If she stopped drinking, maybe I would reconsider. But otherwise, I was done with the physical and verbal abuse. After that, I didn’t speak to her for years.

Unconditional Love

I have two beautiful children who are so young and so small and I love them above all things – unconditionally. I could never imagine putting them through what my mother put me through as a young child and adult.

So thinking back to my mother, I didn’t realize until later in my early 20s that she was an alcoholic. She was probably an alcoholic my entire life and I didn’t even know it. Even after getting beat up, kicked out of the house during winters in Wisconsin, and then having the police called on me, I continued to love her unconditionally.

At some point, having an alcoholic as a parent may teach you where to put your foot down. As I got older, I learned about boundaries and what I had to do for my well being.

If your parent, significant other, sibling, or someone else you love dearly is an alcoholic, consider setting boundaries. You are the one that needs to determine what is best for you personally in the relationship or else you will be depleted by the needs of the alcoholic. It may be difficult in the beginning, so write them down along with your reasons. This will give you a clear focus and reminder not to waiver.

A Fresh Start

One day, out of the blue, my mother called me to ask if I would speak to her in person. When we met, she cried and apologized for what she did to me during my childhood and all the heartache she caused. My mother continued to express to me what an amazing human I turned out to be and she didn’t deserve any credit for it. She then asked me if I would give her another chance . . . I was completely shocked. Was this really happening right now? My mother never apologizes.

She was sober during this conversion with tears streaming down her face. We haven’t spoken in years. Should I give her another chance? I agreed to give her another chance but told her there would be rules . . .

• She will not take a drink in front of me
• She will not be drunk in front of me
• She will call me when drinking
• She will treat me with respect

As I continued my relationship with my mother, she was diligent to follow my rules. And as our relationship progressed, I asked to amend the rules. You can do that too!

Ways to Set Boundaries

You get to decide if you want to be around an alcoholic or not. YOU get to decide. Even if they haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 20 years, the disease doesn’t go away. There is no cure. They are still an alcoholic. Also, there are other things you need to consider. There are going to be triggers to manage through and and a new set of rules. For example, if you like to have a glass of wine every once in a while, you need to determine if it makes sense to drink around that person. Will it trigger them? Will it make you feel uncomfortable?

Lastly, don’t forget . . if someone is an alcoholic and you want them to change for you, they aren’t going to. They have to want to change.

Here is some advice for setting boundaries:

• Be clear
• Write down your boundaries
• Boundaries establish how you want to be treated
• When setting and enforcing boundaries remain calm and concise
• Stick to the facts without blaming or becoming defensive
• Boundaries shouldn’t be about trying to control someone or make them change
• Boundaries are about establishing how you want to be treated

You can’t choose whether or not someone stops drinking. But YOU get to choose how involved in their life you want to be.

Advice for setting boundaries by Sharon Martin, LCSW: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/08/how-to-set-boundaries-with-an-alcoholic-or-addict/