My husband and I were now dealing with the gravity of our new situation. He felt terrible for not being at my appointment, but I did not want that for him at all. You have to understand just how trying of a time this is for all involved. For me, the stress of this experience honestly causes some of the memories to be blurry. However, I will do my best to recall the details here.
I was called back to the doctors to find out what was next for us. A dear friend of mine came and watched our kids so that Greg and I could head to the doctor’s office. We met with the nurse and she let me know that the biopsy did return, showing some pre-cancer. She told me not to worry and that it would be easy to manage and eradicate, but we would soon see.
The Diagnosis Changes Again
Unfortunately, this diagnosis soon changed as the nurse would call in the coming days to tell me that it was a bit more advanced than they first thought, though still not a huge deal. She went on to tell me that they would just do a lumpectomy to cut it out and perhaps a little bit of radiation. She did add, however, that they were still going through the biopsy.
With everything still up in the air, I knew that sitting around would be torturous. The family and I kept busy and went on some trips. We were with family and friends, and I opened up about my new health situation. I even cried after some cocktails. Luckily for me, I was surrounded by supportive loved ones who continued to let me work through my emotions in this difficult time. It was honestly simply amazing.
Balancing Work and My Diagnosis
At the same time as all of this, my work was going through a merger and a lot of responsibilities fell onto me. This meant that pretty much every facet of my life was now entrenched in chaos. It was at this point that the doctor’s office informed me that I did in fact have cancer, not pre-cancer. I was busy at work and traveling a bunch, so now there was even more logistics to balance. My doctor set up with a surgical oncologist and told me I could still travel as long as I made all of my appointments. I wasn’t ready to tell work yet either, so this was going to require a balancing act by me.
As things developed though, this became increasingly difficult and eventually impossible. When scheduling separately became impossible, I finally had to have the dreaded closed-door conversation with my boss. To my relief, he was incredible and unbelievably supportive.
I could now be transparent with all parties and better manage my schedule and still be able to travel. I was able to see friends all over the country and continue to open up to them one by one. When you go through an experience like this, you realize just how important a support system is. I’m here to tell you that I would not have made it without mine.
Balancing Cancer When You Have Responsibilities
I believe people neglect to tell you about some of the realities of having cancer, like that life doesn’t stop. You still have to work; you still have to be a parent; you still have to be a partner. At the same time, your cancer doesn’t care that you have other responsibilities. It’s these two competing facts that are on you to balance.
I was at an offsite week of meetings for work when I received several calls in a row. I finally realized that it must be my doctor’s office and so I called them back. They told me that the cancer was far more aggressive than they had initially thought and that I needed to return home immediately. I told them I was in the States for work and that a few days would not make a difference, I had cancer either way. I needed to finish my responsibilities at work and then I would return home and would come straight to the hospital once I was back. When I got back, they wanted to do a lumpectomy immediately.
We were roughly about four months in at this point and I already wanted the whole thing done. I told my surgical oncologist that I wanted a mastectomy instead to guarantee that the cancer was gone and that it wouldn’t come back. He said no and I was incredibly frustrated. In fact, it was this frustration that led me to share my story via blog.
I digress.
After the lumpectomy, we got the results and guess what? It was unsuccessful. Exactly what I was worried about. That was enough for me, so I went and found a new oncologist. At this point I was finally diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer, Grade 3. This was progressing fast, and they had found a second lump. They told me I would now need aggressive chemotherapy treatments with many side effects.
I would continue to work and ride my roller coaster of emotions through this part of life. Some days were good, others I wanted to give up. I learned to appreciate things like the fact that I went to the doctors when I did. Can you imagine if I hadn’t?
With impending chemo treatments and a mastectomy, getting through a trip on the subway to work was a victory. Music was also a savior for me. I made playlists and I would dance and sing aloud on the subway and I didn’t care what others thought. I needed that to get through.
I think it’s important for people to know you don’t merely go to the doctors and find out you have cancer and then start treatment. Diagnosis can be tough, and it is most certainly a journey. It affects you, your work, your loved ones, and the simplest of tasks. Let yourself feel, express yourself, find the silver lining, be okay to be upset, and build a support group.
Everyone’s diagnosis story is different, but all are teaching moments. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel, find a doctor that you are comfortable with, and do what makes you happy. I hope this has helped, and I will continue to share my journey with you.
I look forward to talking soon.
